Dating Tips For Obese
Guys
Every once in a
while, I like to poll my readers on the NerdLove
Facebook Page and on
Twitter to find out what issues they feel are holding them back
when it comes to dating. And the most common answer is: “I worry that I’m too obese
to date.”
I’ll
be honest: I’m not surprised. America’s a big country and we’re getting
bigger. According to the Center
for Disease Control, 69% of adults 20 years old and over are
overweight and 35% are considered obese. And yet even when the number of people
who are considered overweight form the majority of the population, obesity is
in many ways one of the remaining acceptable prejudices. Last week, the #obeseshamingweek
hastag was trending on Twitter as numerous assholes and shitbags1 took to the network and decided to
mock obese people – mostly women, but men too – from behind the dubious
anonymity of their Twitter accounts.
Now
we could dwell on the fact that these various winners are not gym-sculpted
Adonnises themselves, but instead I want to focus on the positive and work
on improving people’s lives instead of trying to
stroke the hate-boner. Besides, the best revenge is living well and there’s
nothing quite like seeing the underdog succeed despite all of his or her
disadvantages.
I
mean, c’mon. The cognitive dissonance alone can make
people’s heads explode.
Women Will Date Obese
Men
Large
dudes will frequently lament that their size automatically disqualifies them
from dating – they believe that there is simply no way a woman could possibly
like somebody who’s body isn’t rippled and shiny like a buttered ear of corn.
Except… they totally do.
There
are plenty of notable examples out there if you look around. Kevin Smith, for
all of his fashion sins that I will get into in a second, is happily married
with a lovely wife and daughter. Patton Oswalt, same story. Josh Gad, ditto.
Seth Rogan is no Abercrombie and Fitch model but he’s also happily married.
It’s
easy to forget this when the TV and magazines are showing you nothing but image
after image of cut, veiny men with swimmers builds with women draped all over
them like fur stoles, but women actually like a far wider
range of body types than we’d think. Ask five women what their ideal male build
is and you’ll get six different answers.
Take,
for example, this image from a feature in the UK periodical The Sun; they
flipped the script by posing ordinary men in underwear ads a la David Beckham
or Christiano Ronaldo:
The gentleman on the
left has ended up with quite the devoted female fanbase; many many women
prefer large and burly even when society insists that they only like guys who
look like they’re 3% body obese.
Obese
Isn’t Simple
Part
of being able to accept that women will find you
attractive is to understand that being obese isn’t a cut and dry issue.
Weight
in the US is a loaded subject; society often equates being heavy with being
lazy and/or weak-willed. Being obese is treated as a referendum on your worth
as a person – people see it as an implication that you’re only obese because
you simply don’t want to change badly enough. After all, if they’d just
apply themselves, obese people could lose weight easily! Right? Right?
Well…
not so much. Some people can lose weight without barely trying while others can
exercise and diet until their eyes bleed and barely see the scale shift.
As
we’ve been learning over the years, weight gain and loss is more complicated
than a simple issue of “calories ingested <= calories burned”. The most
obvious issue is the simple fact that not all calories are the same; otherwise
people could lose weight while eating a restricted calorie diet that consisted
primarily of sugar and Doritos.
They’d
be suffering from scurvy in short order, but hey, at least they’d be fitting
into 32 jeans, right? Do teeth really look
as good as skinny feels?
The
societal disdain for heavyset people is so ingrained that even people who are obese
feel ashamed about who they are and that they have to apologize for some
personal flaw that leaves them with the mark of Canes2 when the truth about obesity is as
much about external factors as it is about food consumption.
Over
the years, we have been discovering that there are innumerable other factors
that affect body obese accumulation and weight gain. Many people who’ve
struggled with weight-loss have been found to have Celiac disease or other
gluten allergies that prevent the body from absorbing vitamins and minerals
properly, sending the body into “survival mode”.
Other
scientists have discovered a strong link between the chemical Bisphenol A and
weight gain; BPA is found in many consumer
products, including bottled water and food packaging, making it an invisible
but nearly unavoidable part of our lives.
Still
more factors include the ubiquity of high-fructose corn syrup in our food, the
negative side-effects from processed soy products and even just plain old
genetics and evolution. Moreover, all obese people aren’t created equal;
scientists have found that many people – as many as 1 in 4 – can be overweight
without suffering from the health issues such as higher incidents of heart
disease, high blood-pressure and type-2 diabetes. BMI is a profoundly
inaccurate measure of just about everything and being skinny doesn’t guarantee
good health.
Working
With Your Body
The
next key is simply to accept that your body is your body and your shape is your
shape and there is only so much that you can do to change that.
Your
overall shape is going to be controlled by your bone structure and genetics as
much as is by your diet and exercise. Some people simply have long, skinny
frames and will always be
lean and lanky no matter how much they try to bulk up. Others are shorter and
squatter and will always appear heavier.
Some
people have shorter torsos and trunks, which will affect their visual
proportions; a longer torso makes you look skinnier even if you’re overweight
while a shorter one makes you appear wider.
Even
if you do lose weight, it’s no guarantee that
you’re going to look like the cover of Men’s Health; a visible six-pack is as
much the result of genetics, dehydration and favorable lighting as it is eating
nothing but broiled chicken breasts and steamed broccoli and five hundred
crunches a day. A low-carb diet might help you lose weight, but it’s not going
to change your underlying frame; if you’re naturally compact and dense, then
you’re not going to jog that away.
Speaking
for myself: I’m short and broad. I inherited the O’Malley shoulders and
I’m naturally barrel-chested; no amount of dieting or jogging is going to make
that smaller. I’m always going to look more like a beer keg than Henry Cavill
no matter what I do or don’t eat.
Dressing
Sharp For Larger Men
Once
you accept your shape, then you can work within it.
Too
many people who are concerned about their weight try to dress to conceal it,
usually wearing clothes that are too big and loose. The problem is that all
this does is draw attention to the fact that you’re trying to hide things – and
making you look worse in the process. When you’re
overweight, you’re already dealing with the stereotype of being
sloppy and lazy; trying to get by in nothing but sports jerseys and relaxed-fit
jeans just confirms it in the eyes of others.
You want to wear
clothes that actually fit you. Even if you’re big, wearing clothes that fit
properly will flatter your profile and make you look more attractive. Yes, I
realize that you’re sensitive to people noticing your stomach or your nech. I
realize that baggy clothes seem more comfortable. Trust me: clothes that fit
right may feel odd at first but you’ll quickly start to realize how much better it
feels when your clothes support you instead of trying to conceal you.
You
want simple clothes that define your shape rather than just hang. Bold prints
are a bad idea as they tend to draw attention to your size. You’ll do better to
dress in solid, uniform colors that will unify your silhouette. Contrasting
colors – a dark shirt over light pants, for example – provide a visual
break and draw attention to the lines of your body, making you look even
larger.
You
want fitted shirts rather than simple box-cuts; these will fit your build
better instead of looking baggy and shapeless. Whenever possible, you also want
a spread collar; a narrow collar will just emphasize the width of your face.
Similarly, you want straight-leg jeans instead of relaxed fit and everybody wants
flat-front slacks. Whenever possible, you want thinner materials; cashmere
sweaters in the cold are much better suited for the larger gent rather than a
chunky cardigan. Jackets – especially dark wash denim or sport coats can help
provide shape and definition. Opt for three-button blazers; they lengthen your
silhouette nicely and avoid pulling at your clothes. Vests are also a good
idea; the V shape flatters your torso and draws attention to your chest instead
of your neck or midsection, plus add a bit of natty stylishness; it’s hard to
call someone sloppy when they’re wearing a sharp vest.
Larger
accessories also help by keeping everything in proportion; the trend to
oversized watches works in your favor here.
Now
having said all that…
Eat
Better and Exercise
Yes,
I realize that I said earlier that diet and exercise isn’t the ticket to being
skinny. This isn’t about losing weight, this is about being healthy. The
average American diet is fucking
horrible. We eat far too much processed food, drink far too
little water and on the whole don’t get nearly enough exercise. This doesn’t
just contribute to weight issues but to depression, mood-swings, digestive
issues, poor sleeping habits and a weakened immune system.
Trust me, I’m a doctor. NOW GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY
Plus:
eating like shit? Makes you ugly. Beyond the common junk-food boogieman of
acne, a shitty diet makes your skin look sallow while your hair gets lank and
brittle.
Changing
up your diet is one of the easiest and best ways to improve not just your
health but your skin-tone, hair, energy level and mental outlook. Whether or
not you lose weight is secondarycompared
to the other benefits.
Ideally,
you want to eat as clean as possible; that is, you want to avoid high-fructose
corn syrup (which is, admittedly, difficult as hell) and all processed
food and beverages, including diet sodas – my own personal vice. You also want
to avoid simple and refined carbohydrates as much as possible – this includes
white flour and sugar while ensuring that your diet is heavy on green leafy
vegetables, lean proteins and complex carbohydrates.
It
can be difficult – most processed foods are specifically designed to be
addictive and salt, obese and sugar have similar effects on the brain to
cocaine and heroin – but the overall results are worth it. A cheat day per week, where you allow
yourself to eat what you’d like makes it easier to eat healthily 90% of
the time without losing your goddamn monkey mind.
You
also want to exercise more. The average American lifestyle is profoundly
sedentary; we spend the better part of our lives just sitting in place when
we’re designed for movement.
Just as with a healthier diet, increased exercise has benefits above and beyond
simple weight-loss; exercise helps release endorphins into your blood,
improving your mood as well as your creative output.
Also,
I’m going to be honest here: the stereotype of a obese man is someone who gets
sweaty just looking at stairs and can barely walk five
feet without gasping for breath and needing a break. This is unattractive under
the best of circumstances, but doubly so if you’re already large. If this is
you, then you definitely need to hit the gym. Being active and
exercising will build up your endurance and cut down on jokes about having a
heart attack from the strain of picking up your mail. Making the transition
between “obese” and “Large and strong” can make all the difference in the way
you see yourself.
You
don’t necessarily need to hit the gym three or four times a week – forcing
yourself to do exercises you hate is only going to make you quit. You just need
to find activities that you enjoy that provide a cardiovascular benefit whether
it’s jogging, playing sports, kayaking, bicycling, walking or studying martial
arts.
You also want to
be doing more weight lifting. Most people who start an exercise program tend to
focus on cardiovascular exercise without including a weight training regimen,
which is a mistake. Weight training acts as a booster to the benefits you gain
from cardio, adding intensity to your workouts and improving the overall
results. Weight-training exercises do wonders for your physical health,
improving joint function, circulation and muscle tone. If you’re heavier than
you’d like to be, developing more muscle helps increase your basal metabolic
rate, increasing the amount of calories you burn just by being awake and
semi-active.
If
you lose weight, then great. But whether you do or you don’t, a proper diet and
exercise will help improve your life overall,
making you feel better and giving you increased confidence.
Don’t
Hide Yourself
One
of the common mistakes I’ve seen obese guys make is to either make excuses for
their size or attempt to laugh it off by making jokes about cushioning or how
much more there is for people to love. Both of these approaches are mistakes;
they betray a sense of insecurity. Making jokes about your size is almost
always a defense mechanism, trying to get the insult in before anybody else
does to take the sting out of it… and it just calls attention to the fact that
you’re big and you feel awkward about it.
The
key is simply to not
bring it up at all. You’re big, you know it, she knows it.
Presenting yourself as though you’re simply not ashamed of yourself is far more attractive than trying to armor
yourself up with jokes.
Don’t
get me wrong: humor is attractive… but defensive or self-deprecating humor goes
from “funny” to “really kind of pitiful” very quickly. The last thing you want
to do is send off signals about how you hate yourself.
To
that end: it’s important that you maintain proper body language. Big guys will
tend to try to minimize themselves and hide their stomachs by slouching or
curling in to not take up as much space. Standing up straight with your
shoulders back will speak more to your confidence – a far more attractive trait
– than constantly seeming as though you’re apologizing for existing.
Similarly:
don’t hold back and try to fade into the background until someone approaches you. A
wide, genuine smile and a hearty laugh and a willingness to make conversation
makes you a more appealing figure; it turns you from “who’s that obese guy” to
“who’s that fun guy everyone wants to talk to?”
Don’t Sweat The Haters
Cold
hard truth time: there are going to be people who are going to dislike you off
the bat for being large. There will be women who roll their eyes at you for
“daring” to come up to talk to them. There will be guys who try to squeeze you out by making jokes about you being huge.
There will be people who are going to mock you for the temerity for thinking
that you can be attractive.
That’s
actually a benefit in disguise. It’s always handy when the assholes
self-identify so that you know that you can safely disregard their opinions as
bullshit.
Yes,
it’s easy to say “grow a thicker skin” in response to the abuse that gets
heaped upon you… but that doesn’t mean that it’s not necessary. There are
assholes out there who live for causing other people misery. There will be days
when it seems like everyone is determined to shit all over you, personally.
But in the end, their
opinions don’t fucking matter. They’re showing themselves to
be fuckheads, so why should you gift them with the power to hurt you? Why
should you care about what some fuckhead thinks?
Look:
you’re going to get rejected. That’s part of dating. You’re going to get
rejected by women you approach, even women who may like you platonically. The
thing is: this happens to everyone, obese
or skinny, tall or short. Even the hottest men out there get shot down – I’ve
watched legendary lady killers put their best moves on women only to see them
go home alone.
The
answer to haters is perseverance. The answer to rejection is to try more, to date more.
There
are people out there who are looking for a guy like you. Don’t make it harder
for them to find you.
